When I say I have date men different men I really have dated many different men... even a few musicians. One musician currently stands out... I can honestly admit I handled things poorly with him.
The Musician and I met via Facebook, he friend-ed me due to the fact we had mutual friends. One day I sent him a message asking him about one of his shows, and that was the beginning.
The Musician and I ended up meeting up on U St one night and we walked around, I watched him sit in and "jam out" with some of his friend that where playing at one spot. It was cool.
We went to Ben's Chili Bowl, and talked about things. We parted ways after that. I didn't think he was that into me, until he called me later that night, and we talked all night.
I opened up to him, and he opened up to me. The things the musician had opened up to me about, weeeeelllll, I appreciated his honesty, yet at the same time, certain things bothered me.
The musician is an Island man and where he is from it is common for a man to take up more than one wife, or have another woman of the side, which both women are fully aware of the other. ***blank stare*** the musician openly told me he did practice this while he was married. The musician has two beautiful boys who are both 2 years old and no there are not twins, meaning they do not have the same mother. ***blank stare*** the musician explained to me that he no longer practiced this, so I think I was ok with it. At that time the musician was separated from his wife, due to other problems in their relationship. I am allergic to married men... smh. The thing is begin separated, means that they are still married, that man is you husband and that woman is your wife (.) That didn't sit to well with me either.
The musician is such a beautiful and caring man, but I couldn't be with him, even though parts of me wanted to be with him, I just couldn't. No matter what little time he made for me, in my eyes the odds where stacked against us. It was like when I would think of what the future would like with his man, I couldn't see anything good. I could have just lived in the moment with him then, but my heart and mind wouldn't allow it.
The relationship was somewhat like the bad would trump the good, case in point: I remember I wasn't doing to great one day I was in pain and completely weak, and he came and took care of me. He got someone to watch his boys for him, and then he came to take care of me. Yet, on the other hand most of the time I couldn't even talk to him on the phone, we spoke via text messages, yahoo IM, Facebook, email, and Twitter.***blank stare*** If you know me, you know unless I am at work, I don't like having conversations that way. The musician would tell me that this was the best way to speak to him because, his boys were always loud in the house, or he was practicing, and the music would be so loud...smh.
In the end I totally withdrew from the Musician, I should have done it differently, and because of that I lost a friend. There were times I just wanted to pick up the phone to call him and share things with them, and there were times I would want to go to one of his shows. But I didn't. It wasn't that I couldn't face him, it was just I didn't want to see the look on his face when he saw me.
Reflecting on this, my downfall was that I candy coated my feelings, I told him partially how I felt, but not fully. Poor communication, and case of shutting down, yet again. The musician pleaded with me to talk to him. I just couldn’t. I think I feared if he knew how I felt, he would talk me out of distancing myself from him.
I am proud that I didn't continue the relationship. I do miss him as my friend.